Your Child is like the Rain

By Naomi Aldort

Connecting to your child can be as simple as questioning your assumptions and concepts, writes Naomi Aldort

When our neighbouring Mount St. Helens started to rumble, one of my children asked, ‘Do people who live close by get mad when the volcano erupts?’ ‘Do you get mad at the rain?’ I asked. While he was pondering my question, his brother said, ‘Being mad at the rain or a mountain erupting is as insane as being mad at another person.’ Indeed, we live at peace with nature because we have realised that it doesn’t change to fit our ideas. Yet, too often we expect humans to change according to our thoughts and children to develop according to our plan. Such expectations leave us frustrated and powerless.

How do I know it should be raining? It is. I observe that it is raining, and that my arguing with it is painful for me. I don’t try to change the rain; I respond by taking an umbrella.

Likewise, how do I know who and how my child should be? I observe and respond without trying to manipulate. He is who he is and trying to change him I feel disconnected and frustrated. I respond rather than manipulate not only because it is kinder to my child, but because it is kinder to me. It hurts me when I’m trying to change people.

‘But,’ protests a caring father, ‘how do we respond when a child is hitting, grabbing, or making a mess?’

n the normal course of events, most of us are looking for a way to manipulate and ‘stop’ what we define as ‘wrong’. Yet, if we stop to question our own assumptions, we discover that the child has a very valid reason for her actions or words, or that nothing is really wrong. Once we realise that our perception is not truth, we can notice the child’s intention and offer help (if needed) rather than judgement.

The reason for a child’s behaviour is often emotional and not always obviously related to what she does or says. Stopping her expression does not stop the cause. I can stop her screaming or hitting, but the reason for her anguish is still there and will erupt again. In fact, my stopping her will induce a sense of separation and fear compounding her anxiety and driving her into more aggression. In contrast, once I understand the child, I can respond kindly, regardless of whether she can have what she wants at the moment.
In my workshops and counselling work I offer a communication approach, the SALVE Formula, to help you find the way back to your wisdom and love:

S – Self-inquiry; Gaining freedom from the tyranny of unexamined thoughts

A – Attention on child

L – Listen

V – Validate

E – Empower

The following is an example of using the SALVE Formula. It shows a father who was able to avoid his initial upset. His response would have normally been anger. But he used SALVE to stay connected and kind, and therefore the child ended up feeling worthy and being helpful.

While Adi worked in the yard, his four-year-old daughter, Ruthi, went inside and poured herself a glass of milk. Some of the milk spilled on the table and the kitchen floor. When Adi came into the house and saw the spilled milk, he was ready to burst out with, ‘Why didn’t you ask me to help you? You know you can’t do this by yourself. Why don’t you ever listen to me?’ Instead he took a deep breath; he noticed these words pass by silently in his head and questioned their validity (S of S.A.L.V.E.). He asked himself if his thought that she should have asked for his help was truly what he wanted. He realised that it actually distracted him from his delight in her quest for independence, and from seeing how considerate she was in trying not to interrupt his work. Assuming that she should ask for help caused his initial anger. By questioning this assumption and realising her kind intention, he found himself in awe and love of his child.

Adi then turned his attention (A) to Ruthi. He came closer and said cheerfully, ‘I see you had some milk all by yourself.’

Ruthi responded, ‘Yes, and some of it spilled.’ She looked up at her father with a questioning look while he (L) listened with a kind and open heart.

‘That happened to me the other day at Grandpa’s,’ he said (V for Validating). ‘I spilled juice. I felt clumsy but Grandpa smiled and gave me a towel. It’s easy to clean up.’

Ruthi ran from the kitchen and brought a towel to clean the floor (E, she feels Empowered.)

The S of SALVE is the most powerful and sometimes challenging part because it asks you to deviate from a lifelong habit of obeying your thoughts. We fool ourselves to believe that our upset is caused by the child. But is it? Notice how you feel when you believe your own thoughts; angry, upset, wanting to scold, threaten, punish or withdraw. Would you be upset if you didn’t have the thought that goes against the child? Without the thought the upset is replaced with peace and clarity. Imagining yourself free of limiting thoughts does not take these thoughts away; instead, it gives you feedback about their impact so you can choose if you want to believe and obey them or not.

‘She should listen to me.’ Really? Why? Who dictates so? How can you know that? Observe: Is she listening? If she isn’t, wouldn’t it be more useful to find out why, so you can understand her and stay connected? Notice her as you notice the rain; she is not listening. There must be a good reason why she is not able to listen. If, instead, you listen to her (understand her behaviour), you will discover why she cannot hear you. (Some possibilities are: She is too young, she needs physical communication, she is scared, confused, insecure, disconnected, she is needing something that you don’t see, she wanted to please you by not disturbing you, etc.)

Our purpose is not to stop the child’s expression (unless unsafe), but to understand why he must be doing what he is doing, so we can care for him. Often we discover that we see a problem where there is none. Even if the action has to be stopped, once we understand the need or cause, we can feel calmer and respond kindly. I invite you to assume that everything the child is doing is perfectly right. Such realisation will wake you up from your confusing thoughts so you can respond rather than manipulate.


The power of ‘Yes’

One way to quickly bring clarity to yourself is by saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’ (when safe). Once you are ‘boxed’ in your positive response, look for a way to fit with the ‘yes’. Your child is painting on the wall. ‘Yes, I can see how you would love to cover the wall with colours,’ and you cover the wall with paper or offer an easel. Or, ‘Yes, I see that you love to make your sister scream,’ and if little sister is not enjoying herself (she might), you can offer some other game that gives the child a sense of power. ‘Yes, I see that you like to tear books,’ as you offer old magazines for her to shred.

The ‘yes’ is a way to turn around your opposing reaction into cooperation with your child. ‘I see what she needs. How can I assist her?’ This will open your heart to peaceful solutions. If my child needs to bug her sister, I look for the reason and offer validation, listening and caring solutions.

One mother told me how she used this approach when her four-year-old was sitting on the windowsill of their fourth-floor apartment. She was ready to scream ‘no’ and scold ‘how many times did I tell you...’ Instead she said, ‘Yes’ and promptly knew how to go on validating his intent; ‘I see how much you love to look down from the window. Here is a stool you can use safely.’ She brought it to the window and moved the child over. The boy said, ‘But, Mom, I was safe on the window too.’ ‘I know,’ Mom responded, ‘but I was scared’. She spoke honestly about her needs and the boy was therefore happy to use the stool. She told me he has kept using it ever since.


No need to fix the child

Can we respond to the child, rather than try to change her? The other day I gave one of my children a milkshake and he swung his arm when I handed it to him. The thick drink splattered on the floor, the counter, and our clothes. ‘Wow, this is funny,’ said his brother and we burst out laughing. The thought, ‘It shouldn’t have spilled’ would have been a painful thought. It didn’t cross any of our minds so we stayed joyful and connected. The next thing to do was to clean the floor and clothes. I like knowing what to do next. It makes my life simple. We can clean the floor in anger or in happiness—same floor. Will he or I be less careful next time because I wasn’t angry? Do you believe this thought? Have humans stop spilling things yet? Does being upset ever make us more capable?

The good news is you don’t have to obey your painful thoughts. When thoughts bring you joy and loving connection—go with them. If you notice stress and disconnection—check the validity of your thoughts. Don’t believe everything your mind says. If it hurts, it isn’t true. Use your inner wisdom and power to choose between defending a thought and creating a loving connection with your child.

Parents often ask ‘What if my child is truly misbehaving?’ I don’t know what ‘misbehaving’ means because to me a child is always doing the best she can to meet her own need. When you explore your thought about what you call ‘misbehaving’ you may be surprised to find that it has nothing to do with your child; she has a valid and good reason to act or speak the way she does. Once you understand the reason, your confusion will be over and you will be able to either eliminate the cause of the difficulty or respond respectfully and peacefully.

A few years ago I was teaching the SALVE formula and the ‘yes’ approach in one of my workshops and a couple of days later I received an email from a participant who found my guidance very similar to The Work of Byron Katie (with which I was not familiar) and to ideas from Vedanta, Taoism, Zen, and other ancient teachings. After checking it out, I found the connection astounding indeed and added these details to the S of the SALVE formula. The Work suggests that we write down our judgements about a situation, and then apply the following four questions,  followed by a ‘turnaround’ to those judgements:

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

3. How do you react when you think/believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

After answering these simple questions, turn the sentence around:

To the opposite (‘he shouldn’t listen’, and find out why).

To yourself (‘I should listen to me’ and notice how that would clarify things).

To the other (‘I should listen to him’ and discover how it could benefit you).


The following is an example of a mother investigating her own thoughts about her child’s behaviour, with the four questions and turnaround:

Yael: We came home after a wonderful day in the park and Toby was swinging a plastic rod while running through the house. I was afraid for the toddler. I told him to stop. He didn’t. I told him if he doesn’t stop I will take the rod away. He didn’t stop. I took it away. He kicked me. I told him if he kicks, no bedtime story. He kicked more.

Naomi: Toby shouldn’t have kicked, is that true?

Yael: Yes.

N: So watch Toby in your mind and see: Can you absolutely know, that it’s true that he shouldn’t have kicked?

Y: No. He was frustrated. I did respond kindly first and said, ‘I know you had a lovely day and now I need time to myself...’ But nothing helped.

Y: Oh, I see. His day, at that moment wasn’t so nice. He wanted a story, and to swing the rod around, and I took both away from him.

N: Yes. So now you understand your child. If we don’t judge and decide how the child should be, we can understand how he is. How do you react when you believe that he shouldn’t kick and he does?

Y: I get angry, impatient... and I yell and threaten.

N: Who would you be without this thought that Toby shouldn’t kick, when he does?

Y: Calmer. I would help him.

N: Yes. So turn it around.

Y: Toby should have kicked. (Thinking). You know, he wanted to go outside where it would have been safe but I didn’t let him. He didn’t have much choice.

N: So you understand him.

N: Turn it to yourself.

Y: I shouldn’t have kicked me.

N: Tell me about it.

Y: I was kicking myself with anger inside my head, thinking I am a bad mother.

N: All the while doing the best you can with what you knew in the moment.

Y: Yes.

N: Can you see another turnaround?

Y: I shouldn’t have kicked Toby.

N: Is it as true or truer?

Y:  Yes. I was angry with him and insulting, and I took away his story time, and gave him no choice. That’s how I ‘kicked’ him.

N: If things don’t go our way, we kick in an ‘adult’ way and the children mirror us. I call it the parent’s tantrum.

Y: OK, I see now. So without my story, neither one of us would need to kick.

N: You can only know about you. I hear from you that you will not ‘kick’ without believing your thought. Instead, without the thought, you see your child’s need and find a kind solution.

Y: But, Naomi, isn’t it a natural consequence for his kicking to not read the story?

N: Notice how the mind wants to defend its position and question this thought. If it was ‘natural’, the consequence would happen on its own. I notice that nature does not need my management. His kicking was over and nothing happened naturally as a consequence.    

Y: Oh, I see, I see. Not reading to him is not really related to kicking.

N: Not reading the book is you ‘kicking’ him.

Y:  You are right. When I listen to him and help, he doesn’t kick. He is learning from me to punish because that is what I was doing. So if I respond to his need, he won’t kick.

N: Likely. And, I cannot know that. Let me know how he does. Expecting a specific result is yet another story that gets in the way of clarity and unconditional love. It is being in his ‘business’. Work on you, so you can love him unconditionally.

Y: In times that I respond to him with kindness and understanding he doesn’t kick.

N: So he is your mirror.

Y: This is so freeing. Thank you.


This story leads most parents to the common worry; ‘How will he ever learn?’ ‘Shouldn’t he learn not to kick, whether or not Mum is doing the kind thing?’ Observation tells me that ‘kicking’ a child emotionally doesn’t teach him not to kick. Now Mum is working on her own learning not to kick. Once she masters herself, there will be a model of peace in the house.

The idea that learning has to be forced in advance has not been questioned. Yet, in reality, everything flows in perfect time. Without advanced breathing lessons, the baby is born and breathes. Without walking manuals, she walks, and without talking classes, she talks. These miracles are the lessons of life and of the way children grow all the way through it. We only need to water the flower, not force its petals open. Each child grows in her unique way. How do I know what that is? I observe. I respond rather than trying to shape. Notice how you respond to the rain and learn from a more peaceful you. Marvel at the miracle your child is and respond as you would to the rain. Passively? No. With clarity and love? Yes. 


Naomi Aldort, Ph.D., is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves (available on Amazon). Parents from around the globe seek Aldort’s advice by phone, in person and through her workshops. Her advice columns appear in parenting magazines in Canada, USA, Australia, and the UK, and are translated to German, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese, and Spanish. Naomi is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is thirteen-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort: www.OliverAldort.com

For more information on counselling, CDs, and workshops:
www.NaomiAldort.com
or www.AuthenticParent.com

Recommended reading:
The SALVE formula can be found in the book Raising Our Children, Raising
Ourselves by Naomi Aldort.

The Work is described and demonstrated in Byron Katie’s books and on the
site www.thework.org