Interview with Kali Wendorf

Interview with Kali Wendorf, Editor of Kindred Magazine

By Ashley Ryan

Ashley - I have heard you talk about the nuclear family, could you in your own words define that term and what it means to you?  Are there any downsides to this (in your opinion)?

Kali – the nuclear family, as I define it, is the basic father, mother and 2.5 kids model. It’s based on an insular mindset, whereby community and larger extended family have very little to do with the day to day existence of a family’s members. The nuclear family model is mostly a product of a globalised economy, in which family members move away from each other in search of work and people spend a majority of their time at work and at school, or in their cars commuting to those two places.

It’s shortcomings come from the fact that is it a product of globalisation – and not a product of, say, our natural response to what it takes to create a healthy and thriving population. We’ve been thrown into a nuclear family model by way of default – as a reaction to globalisation, not by way of wisdom or evolution. Hence it has many downsides.
It’s an overused cliché, but it really does require a village to raise a child. Shame that it remains a cliché, and not part of serious intelligent public policy. You see, to really understand the shortcomings of the nuclear family model, you have to know the science behind what human beings need in their early childhood years in order to grow up happy, peaceful, healthy adults. That science is based in the fields of neurology, biology, genetics and psychology. And it tells us this:

The experiences of birth, the first few hours after birth, and the first three years of life, play a crucial role in a child’s psychological, social and neurological development. The fact is, we as human beings are neurologically hardwired to connect—to love. We are born expecting to continue the connection we experienced in the womb, not only with our mother but to the whole. As our connections to others increase—through touch, holding, rocking, smell, skin to skin contact, hearing the mother's heartbeat, eye contact through breastfeeding—our brain’s neural synapses increase in number, making more connections—the internal mirroring the external. In this way—through these connections—love, peace, compassion, sympathy are hardwired into the brain. And these connections, as you might notice, happen through intimate touch. It’s not just by seeing some stranger in front of you. It’s about a continuation of connection experienced in the womb – mother being the first port of call. Then father, and so on as the baby gets older.
When connection is not forthcoming, i.e, there are interferences in the connection such as interventions....that is, the baby is not allowed to breastfeed, or he's separated from the mother for some reason, or he's left to sleep alone at night—the synapses decrease, leading to sadness, separation, mistrust and fearfulness. Does this sound like a society you know?

The exciting point is, we are not hardwired to fear, to hate, to be violent! Such tendencies only happen when something goes wrong with the hardwiring, that is to say, if our hardwiring is interfered with. If you look at indigenous groups that protected and honoured mothers, that protected children from genital mutilation, violence and spanking, then you always find a peaceful, happy culture. They are rare, but they exist. The parallel of childhood violence and resulting violent societies is so very apparent historically.

Indeed, the first few years of our life is the time we either step into our sense of ‘belonging’ to the whole, or conclude we do not belong. This is not some theory - this is fact. A baby who is blessed with sensitivity, calm, connection, attunement and responsiveness to their early needs is a baby who emerges as a healthy and happy adult. Our work at Kindred is based on our belief that every person deserves such a start.

So here are some of the practices of what is called ‘attachment parenting’ or ‘connection parenting’ – based on this science of connection:

Conscious conception
Natural, intervention-free birth (homebirth being the place where it’s most likely to happen)
Breastfeeding – two years or beyond
Co-sleeping
No circumcision
Wearing your baby
Non-violent, non punitive, non-shaming discipline (yes, you can set very clear boundaries without violence)
Limited time in front of the TV and computer screen
Lots of touch, holding and cuddles
That’s a start…

Notice that there is a common ‘theme’ that runs with all of these practices – to foster connection, to self, to mother, to father, to others.
OK, so back to the nuclear family. This then becomes a pretty big job for the mother – especially the mother because she’s the one with the breasts. And it’s a big job for her because, quite literally, she has in her power the ability to raise a child who feels a sense of belonging to the whole, or who does not. It’s really quite simple. But it’s really profound too. And breastfeeding, for example, is one of those practices that really builds those ‘connections’ in the developing brain of the baby. The World Health Organisation recommends two years and beyond for breastfeeding. We call this full-term breastfeeding. But for us as a society to assume that mothers can fulfill this important role in a vacuum is incredibly naïve. And yet that is what a nuclear family model insists on—mum alone or working, dad working – where are the aunties to hold the baby while mum takes a break? Where are the uncles to help mow the lawn while dad is spending time with the kids? Where is the community to help support all these mothers with their very very big job?
A mother cannot meet a child’s early needs in isolation. She might succeed somewhat, but at a huge expense to her self. Hence, the overuse of early daycare, the TV screen babysitter, formula feeding, fast food and Ritalin.

Ashley - How society is set up now, do you think it’s optimal for raising children?

Kali - Absolutely not. Not at all.  Again, we live in a globalised culture—meaning, we must work harder and harder to earn the same dollar. And with corporations wielding so much power and influence, it means they have a direct hand in almost every, if not every, aspect of our lives – what we are taught at school, how births are treated, how much we must work, what we are allowed to know, what we are allowed to talk about, what we do with our free time, our sense of ourselves as human beings…
And governments serve the corporations (because corporations fund their elections), and the corporations serve the economy, and the economy only looks good when money is made. Money doesn’t get made when a mother chooses to breastfeed over bottle-feed. Money doesn’t get made when a family chooses to home-school. Money doesn’t get made when a mother or father chooses to stay home with the baby and not work, and not put the baby in daycare. In fact, the economy is healthier if a child is born via cesarean, bottlefed, circumcised, thrown in daycare and put on Ritalin. So tell me, do you think public policy is encouraged to support parents to make the right choice? No way. Which means parents have to do it all themselves, all the while fighting the system just to keep some kind of sanity in the world of their children.

Couple that with the mythology and propaganda that permeates modern family life—mythology like: hospital births are safer than homebirths (they’re not), long daycare is good for young children (it isn’t), circumcision prevents AIDS (it doesn’t) and sometimes children need a good smack (they don’t). And when a family tries to move away from the culturally-endorsed myth-based practices, they are often harshly criticised and ostracised.

However in all fairness, I think it is important to mention that society is evolving and there are indications of a significant shift upon us. There are several reforms and while they look unrelated, they are actually all part of one essential understanding: that we are a part of the whole.

Movements such as the localisation movement, the organics and biodynamics movement, the downshifting movement and of course what I call the deep parenting movement – are all a part of this. Deep parenting recognises this critical aspect of a child’s development to know oneself as connected to the whole, to know oneself as love, and to have access to a, let’s call it a ‘predisposition’ to peace and joy.

So, thankfully, there are aspects to modern society that are transforming and evolving.  

Ashley - What do you think are steps that parents can take to reach out for support in their community?

Kali - Well, joining a pregnancy support group is a good start – one that endorses natural birth. There are playgroups too – some of them with values similar to what we are discussing, ie, attachment parenting, Steiner, Montessori playgroups.

And then there are other places to start fostering community – ordinary neighbourhood places like the local health food shop, the farmers market, the little bookstore down the road, your own neighbours. Make an effort to know the names of the farmers at the farmers market, and the manager and check-out people at the health food store. Invite your neighbours over for a BBQ, like in the old days. Start to weave threads together, connections, names, places …and before you know it, if you stay committed to the process, you’ll create a village for yourself and support starts to come in all kinds of small but significant ways.

Be creative, too, with other mums and families. My friend down the road and I used to take turns (when our children were young) spending the Saturday at each other’s homes, gardening or housecleaning. The house was cleaned, the kids played together, and we enjoyed each other. Followed by a meal we made and ate together. Now our kids are older, but we still share a meal and it really lightens the load.

Five friends of mine in the States created a neighbourhood child-care co-op…taking turns watching each others’ children for a few hours. Each person had their appointed day that it was their turn to be the ‘daycare’. It worked on a voucher system. And they were all close friends so the children ended up with this great extended family.
The main thing is to avoid isolation. And don’t fall into the trap that community has to ‘look a certain way’ or you all have to share the same values or something. It doesn’t work that way.

Ashley - What are some things we can do as individuals and parents to create a better world for our children?
Kali - For starters we have to start telling the truth. We have to tell the truth about what the science is telling us – things like:  babies should breastfeed, optimally for over two years; and long daycare isn’t good for young children; and spanking harms children.

We should never miss an opportunity to tell the truth – at dinner parties, at school, on the playground, at the family dinner table. Our silence – for fear of making someone feel guilty, or from fear of looking odd - makes us complicit to the rampant ‘disconnection’ our society perpetrates on children. And more, it undermines us because ultimately policy is never made when someone is silent.

We need public policy to support us to raise our children in the way that they need raising. We cannot do the task alone. Parenting can’t happen in a vacuum. So in order for policy to happen, people have to talk. Policy makers need to know. And it starts at the dinner table…public conversation bubble up to the policy makers eventually.
Ashley - Our children often trigger feelings inside us that can cause us to react.  As a mother do you have any suggestions as to how not react in anger or get triggered when emotions are running high?

Kali - This is a difficult one because as far as I’ve been able to discern, there are no formulas. As soon as I think I’ve mastered the old ‘lose it’ button, through the help of some formula or practice or new book – up comes some unique event that just seems to trigger something inside I didn’t even know was there. I’m learning to extend myself the same patience I strive for with my children. Notice I use the word learning. Very important! Once I accepted I was still learning, things got a lot lighter inside for me – and that really helped me not to react so strongly.

I also noticed that my overreaction happened as a result of my over-extending. So discovering what my boundaries were, and how to feel them and express them was a big step. It’s significant because in the beginning when my children were babies, I was driven to respond to every need. That was appropriate for then. But as my children grew, their needs changed. They needed boundaries, so I had to learn a whole new way of being with them. It was hard at first.

I think too, it’s important to have perspective- and I mean perspective with a capital ‘P’ – a spiritual grounding on how to meet life and all it throws up at us. Self-inquiry, meditation, challenging our thoughts and beliefs and not letting ourselves be run by our mind, are all part of what I mean by right ‘perspective’. This gives us a larger inner space and compassion towards ourselves and others and allows for a different way of being to emerge.

This is the beautiful invitation to self-discovery as a parent. Children can really bring up old wounds and old issues from one’s own childhood. I notice it when my reaction is completely inappropriate for the present situation. It becomes a signal to take some space and just feel what’s going on for me – without projecting it onto my child. The discoveries are a real gift. And in those moments, a healing occurs as well. 

Ashley Ryan is the Founding director of Lumina Anti-Aging,
Cosmetic Acupuncture Centre of Canada, and Wu Skin Solutions Inc.
www.luminaantiaging.com