Beyond Bonding: a mother’s story

By Kali Wendorf

Quite often, mothers (and to a lesser extent dads) find themselves needing to re-establish a sense of their own boundaries, after years of a symbiotic merger with their babies. This transition can signal a painful moment of growth for both parent and child. Parents need to be encouraged to trust this transition, for a new and more encompassing form of intimacy with their child awaits on the other side.

‘After attachment-parenting two babies, at three years apart, I completely lost sight of my sense of ‘me-ness’. All I knew how to do was meet the needs of my children, moving boulders and mountains to do so. But when my oldest turned four, and it was clear he needed something other than just bonding, I felt out of my depth. I kept trying to meet his ever-growing and increasingly complex needs — all happy faced, even-tempered and sweet-toned — and failing to do so, just became increasingly frustrated. He became frustrated too, and we spiralled into a painful dynamic. As I was still breastfeeding his younger sister, it seemed my brain was still wired to bond, not differentiate! Unfortunately there were few sources of support for this next period with my son. It seemed all the attachment-parenting books just ended with attachment — as if that were the way my children and I were to walk off into the eternal sunset together — forever attached and happy.

It took my inappropriate rage that would sometimes come out towards my son, to indicate to me that I had lost my boundaries and that something wasn’t quite right. It would happen like this: after days of trying to meet a four-year-old’s every need and failing, the frustration would just pile up and up until an explosion would happen. Following that would be guilt, which would lead to my attempt to meet each and every need again to compensate. The cycle would continue.

In a strange way, the rage became a gift — urging me towards another undiscovered way of being with my son. With some time, and as my youngest became a toddler, I suddenly felt the capacity to differentiate and to express healthy normal boundaries — free from the emotional extremes that resulted from not respecting my own boundaries. My frustrations abated (along with everyone else’s) and parenting became pleasurable again. But to make this change I had to first recognise a few things:

• That differentiating from my toddler is actually good for him — it actually met his needs (this was especially important to learn since I was — as an attachment parent — concerned about meeting my child’s needs!).

• That my toddler was old enough to handle my emotional realness and boundaries.

• That it might take me some time to re-discover who I am again as a differentiated individual and that’s OK.

• That I had a right to be and express myself as a differentiated person.


I wish there had been more attachment-based information out there about the post-attachment stage during that difficult transition.

Published byronchild/Kindred, issue 18, June 06