Teenagers and Sex: Are they ready?

 
By Tim Hartnett, PhD, and Amy Cooper, DHS

‘When should a person become sexually active?’ a fellow counsellor asked an audience of parents and middle school students. The question was meant to be rhetorical, a springboard from which to lecture on the subject, but a sixth grader spontaneously blurted out his answer. ‘Not until you are thirty.’

The young man was surprised when his comment received laughter and grateful applause from many of the parents in the room. Was he aware what a relief it would be for parents if all teenagers had this attitude? Does he know the agony parents suffer over teenage sexuality?

What is the law?

The question of when a person is ready to have sex is one American and Australian society has not yet figured out. Even the law is ambivalent. The ‘age of consent’ (when a person can legally engage in sexual activity) ranges from 14 to 18 in the United States and from 16 to 17 in Australia. In each state the specific legal age depends upon many factors including the type of sexual activity and the age of the teenager’s sexual partner.

What is normal?

You might be tempted to ask what is the ‘normal’ age for people to start being sexually active. The data on this, however, also fails to settle our cultural ambivalence. Recent findings from The National Survey of Family Growth in the US report that 46 per cent of males and 47 per cent of females, age fifteen to nineteen, claim to have had sex. With this relatively even split, you might conclude that it is both normal for teenagers to have sex and normal for them not to have sex. In Australia, the figures still don’t give us a very clear picture. According to Australian Youth & Facts Stats, 25 per cent of Year 10 students and just over 50 per cent of Year 12 students claim to have had sex.

What is right?

A family’s views on sex are likely to be derived not just from the law or norms of what other people do, but from their ethical or religious views. Values about sexuality vary considerably. Some hold the ‘sexually liberated’ view that sex is a healthy human pleasure to be enjoyed whenever it is safe and consensual. Others believe that sex is morally appropriate only for procreation and should only occur within a marriage.

Given the differences, it is not surprising that there is much controversy about whether and how to provide sex education to teenagers. Most people’s values, however, fall somewhere between these poles. They respect that sexual readiness is a personal decision that depends on many factors. And most parents would agree that teenagers should not be having sex before they are ready.

What defines sexual readiness?

So how do you determine if and when a teenager is ready to be sexually active? We propose that the qualifications are not merely a matter of age. Having a certain number of birthdays does not prepare anyone for safe and successful sexual experiences. Rather, it is our preparation for the ethical, psychological, social, and physical aspects of sex that determines our readiness. Two teenagers of the same age may have very different degrees of psycho-social maturity. They may also have different access to sexual health information. These differences can determine whether their sexual activity is likely to be healthy or potentially disastrous.

A rational basis for determining sexual readiness must therefore take multiple considerations into account. We have outlined eight areas of concern below.

Consideration #1:

Knowledge of disease and pregnancy prevention

Responsible sex requires that participants know how to protect themselves from unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Some sexual activities do not pose a health or pregnancy risk. Others pose risks that can be mitigated. And some very common sexual activities court serious consequences. Being uninformed on these topics can result in crisis situations that may alter the trajectory of a young person’s life. Thus, having accurate and up-to-date information is an important prerequisite to becoming sexually active.

Consideration #2:

Reflection on the impact of pregnancy or disease

Knowing how to have sex safely does not insure that safe sex practices will be faithfully employed. Having sex responsibly requires that participants give serious thought to the possible consequences of sexual activity. A teen should consider, ‘What if your method of birth control fails?’ ‘What if you are deceived by the information you get from a sexual partner?’ It is important to face the reality that sexual intercourse, for example, is never completely safe. ‘Is any level of risk worth taking at this point in my life?’

Consideration #3:

Addressing moral and ethical issues

The decision to be sexual or not can have a profound effect on a teen’s sense of identity. It forces a choice between competing sets of values. Family, church, and peers may all try to influence teens. Only if your teenager is confident that their worth as a person is not based on whether they do or do not have sex, are they free to make their own decisions. Still, it is important to impress upon your child that people may shame them or judge them, whatever they decide. Ask them to consider how will they respond to such judgments?

Consideration #4:

Self-esteem and decision-making

Sexual situations present very strong challenges to teens’ ability to make their own decisions and stay committed to those decisions. Both peer pressure and biological drives can exert a powerful influence. Responsible decisions about sex can only be consistently made if your teenager has the personal maturity to follow their own best thinking in spite of what others may want you to do or what your body desires. Teenagers should consider what their limits are around being sexual. What pressures might affect their resolve to stick to their own decisions?
 
Consideration #5:

Ability to communicate your feelings

Creating positive sexual experiences for oneself requires that your teen be able to express their feelings. If they are not yet comfortable talking about sex, then they are unlikely to be able to insure that their sexual experiences will be consensual and mutually satisfying. Are they able to talk about sex with the person they would consider having sex with? How specific can they be about their needs and their own limits?

Consideration #6:

Ability to handle relationship dynamics

The dynamics of relationships are often very emotionally challenging. Strong feelings of rejection, jealousy, and guilt can all be part of any teenage dating landscape. The intensity of these feelings is often dramatically increased, however, when sex is involved. Has your teenager thought about how they will feel if their relationship changes after having had sex?

Consideration #7:

Knowledge of sexual anatomy and functioning

Much of the traumas people report from their first sexual experiences are due to a lack of understanding about how to have sex in a mutually satisfying way. The many unrealistic myths about sex that are portrayed in the media often set up young people for disappointment and humiliation. Understanding how male and female bodies actually function is important background information for healthy sexual experiences.

Consideration #8:

Making sense of childhood sexual experiences

Many teenagers have already had sexual experiences as children. Sometimes these experiences constituted abuse. Other situations may have been age-appropriate explorations (like playing ‘doctor’). They may have involved partners of either gender. Usually these sexual contacts occurred without thoughtful discussion. Thus, questions about the meaning of these experiences may linger. If so, these unresolved experiences might influence our readiness for new sexual encounters. It might be helpful to talk about this with a counsellor.

These considerations offer the basis for a more thoughtful answer to the question of sexual readiness. Some parents may use this outline to articulate why they believe their teenager is not ready for sex. Others may decide that their teenager is sufficiently prepared to justify supporting them to begin sexual relationships. When rational considerations determine sexual readiness, we can become less fixed on the idea that chronological age is the only pertinent factor.

This outline can also be used to discuss sexual readiness with a teenager. Talking with your teen about sex is a challenging task. Fortunately, there are many good books available on the subject. Parents who are not comfortable discussing the topic themselves, however, can still help their teens by finding an informed adult who can help. Much as we might like, not all teens are going to wait until they are thirty. They may need someone to talk to now.  
 

Amy Cooper holds a doctorate in Human Sexuality from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She consults professionally with teens, adults, and couples on issues of sexuality, intimacy, and relationships. She can be reached at (US) 831-476-9128 or on her website:

Tim Hartnett, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. He specialises in individual counselling, couples therapy, and divorce mediation. He can be reached at (US) 831-464-2922 or through his website

See also 10 Tips for Talking about Tough Issues published in the same issue


Books to arm yourself with

From Diapers to Dating: A parent’s guide to raising sexually healthy children
By Debra W. Haffner and Alyssa Haffner Tartaglione

Sex and Sensibility: The thinking parent’s guide to talking sense about sex
By Deborah M. Roffman

Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But were afraid they’d ask): The secrets to surviving your child’s sexual development from birth to the teens
By Justin Richardson and Mark Schuster

The Sex Lives of Teenagers: Revealing the secret world of adolescent boys and girls
By Lynn Ponton

Ten Talks Parents Must Have with Their Children about Sex and Character
By Pepper Schwartz, PhD, and Dominic Cappello


…and for your teen

This Book Is about Sex
By Tucker Shaw and Fiona Gibb

How to be the Best Lover: A guide for teenage boys
By Howard B. Schiffer

The ‘S’ Word: A boys’ guide to sex, puberty and growing up
By James Roy

The Date Book: A teen girl’s complete guide to going out with someone new
By Erika Stalder

The Little Black Book for Girlz: A book on healthy sexuality
By St. Stephen’s Community House


Published in Kindred issue 24, December 07