Letters in issue 20

Thank you notes

Firstly, I would like to say a big thanks for putting together a great mag issue after issue. I first started reading byronchild [now Kindred] a couple of years ago when I received a subscription as a baby shower gift and I am hooked! If nothing else, your magazine makes me stop and think about the choices I make about the way I like my life and raise my children. And for that I thank you.

Christie Fowler
Email

As a single mumma of a one-year-old, I managed a rare moment the other night to really read a few of your magazines and I was really blown away. I have worked in media in Sydney for 14 years and I was truly impressed.

You should feel really proud of your publication and the quality you are consistently producing. You’ve got me.

Hats off to the byronchild [Kindred] team!

Michelle Dooley
NSW

Circumcision — keeping boys intact

Excellent article [on circumcision — ‘Intact’ June – Aug 2004, #10]. One of the best I’ve come across in a long time. I hope it reaches many throughout the world. I was one of the pioneers in the ongoing concern against infant circumcision.

Two of the quotes in that article — the one from Elizabeth Pickard-Ginsberg and the one from Dr. Howard Marchbanks, M.D. — both came from interviews that I personally conducted back in the 70s, both of which appear in my own book, Circumcision: The Painful Dilemma, c. 1985, Bergin & Garvey, S. Hadley, MA. (currently out of print). I am quoted several times in Goldman’s book so the author may have taken them from there.

It is delightful to know that stories and insights collected several decades ago are still out there reaching others today. However, I would appreciate being given credit for them.

I hope that Callander’s article will reach and touch the hearts of many, many people throughout the world.

The following is the link to my own website. Please feel free to use it for your own references and for referral to further resources. I hope to get my own book updated and back into print one of these days. www.peacefulbeginnings.cjb.net

Rosemary Romberg
USA

Dad is a safe place to cry

I read the ‘Mummy Do It’ article (byronchild Sep – Nov 2006, #19) with interest. Father and family therapist Jeremy Shreider wrote of his distress when his twins cried and tantrumed as they asked for their mother.

Viewed from an ‘Aware Parenting’ perspective, an experience of this kind can be welcomed. Why? All babies and children need to express their feelings, ranging from confusion, hurt, disappointment and frustration. But many of us well-meaning mothers want our children to feel comfortable, so we may feed our babies when they are upset rather than hungry, distract our toddlers when they are having a healing tantrum, and pacify our children when they are needing to cry. When this happens regularly, babies and children learn to repress their feelings when they are with their mums.

This is where dad comes in. Many times I have heard a dad say, ‘the baby cries as soon as I hold her’, or, ‘only her mum can settle the baby’. But through the Aware Parenting lens, this observation can be reframed. As long as the baby is attached to her dad through regular loving connection with him, and all her present needs are met, she is probably feeling safe enough to express her backlog of feelings. As he holds her in his arms, she can cry and heal from the daily stress and over-stimulation that all babies experience, despite the most attuned parenting.

Once she has healed from that portion of feelings, she will regain a sense of calm. She will look deeply into his eyes or will fall into a peaceful sleep, her body freed from stress hormones and tension. Similarly, a child may be crying for her mum, for example when her dad is putting her to bed. But if dad is not authoritarian, and the child’s here-and-now needs have been met, it is likely that his child is using the opportunity of one-on-one time with him to heal from a past hurt.

Perhaps she is reminded of the times mum was busy with something else or was helping a sibling. As she calls out, ‘mummy, mummy’, she can express all the feelings of grief, disappointment and hurt that she has been holding inside. The tears may be accompanied by sweating and vigorous movement, or with words such as, ‘I don’t want you, I want mummy’. If dad can find compassion, and not take the crying and words personally, the child can let out all the feelings in a safe space. When she has finished healing from this chunk of hurt, she will cuddle her dad and tell him how much she loves him. In this way, a dad can welcome his child’s feelings, knowing that his presence is giving her the gifts of acceptance, healing and intimacy.

Marion Badenoch Rose
www.awareparenting.blogspot.com
NSW

Chemicals compromise health

I just came across your site while I was searching for the potential hazards of propylene glycol which I had heard can cause problems for some. I was experiencing a lot of dental issues, especially sensitive teeth due to gums receding leaving teeth nerves exposed. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), Fibromyalgia and Multiple Chemical Sensitivities and I am more vigilant about what I come in contact with now, especially via the mouth as it is one of the most absorbent parts of the body. 

My dentist has recommended more potent fluoride toothpastes and GC tooth mousse to help with easing the sensitivity. I did start using them but my sensitivity and pain got worse instead of better, so after investigation on the net and elsewhere, I stopped using them because of controversy with petroleum-based products and the fluoride in the ingredients.

I switched to a brand called Natural Toothpaste which does not contain these chemicals including SLS, fluoride and propylene glycol, and my teeth sensitivity symptoms have decreased by avoiding the ingredients that are supposed to help. Interesting hey?

Children are especially more prone to these chemicals as they have a ‘growing’ immune system and have much thinner skins than adults so chemicals (including the MSGs and food colourings — see Sue Dengate’s website link below) at an early age possibly would be long-term problematic.

Anyway there are websites that still say these ingredients are safe, so what do you believe? I guess believe yourself, and what does and does not work for you. The big issue that these ‘It-is-safe’ people don’t say is the accumulative long term effects (using these products for years) has on you as no studies long-term have been done. CFS can be the result of the long-term use of these chemicals and the addition of every-day pollutants in the body that affect your immune system.

Just thought you might like to follow up about the long-term ‘unknown’ use of these chemicals and ‘diseases’ like the little recognised and understood CFS, Fibromyalgia and especially multiple chemical sensitivity syndromes such as sick building, etc.

Suggested websites:
Sue Dengate
www.fedupwithfoodadditives.info
[see Sue Dengate’s article in issue 20]
and another interesting one for research
www.betterlivingresources.name/site/708446/page/45029

Peter Owen
email


Home is where the birth is

As a new subscriber I read my first copy of byronchild [Kindred] with enthusiasm to have finally found a magazine that fits with my beliefs and my parenting style.

As the editor of the Homebirth Network SA newsletter, I was really pleased to read the article by Phoenix Arrien, ‘Home is where the birth is’, in the September 06 edition.

My first child was born at home and I too believe that the safest, gentlest and most effective place to birth is at home with a compassionate, caring midwife that I have formed a deep and loving relationship with. But I was totally impressed that the gist of the article was not about the place of birth (since she actually ended up having a caesarean in hospital) but about having an independent midwife by her side through the pregnancy, labour, any birthing complications, the birth (whatever type!) and following care.

For this is what our home birth mothers believe and all of them have experienced the joy and empowerment of such a process. It is sad that so many women see ‘home birth’ as a hippie or new age option that is full of risk and fear. This is just not what it is about. Birthing is a ‘passage of honour’ for a woman and a great journey and accomplishment.

I am so proud to have chosen myself to be the one in charge of my journey and to share the whole journey with two amazing midwives who provided expert skill, encouragement and never ending love (and birth photos!). This kind of loving service, for myself and my baby, is just not possible within the public or private hospital birthing systems. Thank God for Independent Midwives!

Heidi Robins
Adelaide, South Australia

60 Minutes (Australia) displays irresponsible journalism, Kindred readers respond.

Editor’s note: On Sunday, October 22nd, 60 Minutes aired the feature ‘Being There’ about their version of Attachment Parenting. Of course, not only was the ill-researched feature completely misleading, it made a public mockery of any parent who might choose to parent their children with empathy, connection, intelligence and instinct. While such ignorant tactics are par for the mainstream media course these days, the misuse of journalistic power must be confronted — not for their sake, but for the sake of all those who are manipulated by such bullying. We emailed our Kindred subscribers who responded with a sleu of letters to the producer. Below are a sample of some we were copied:

To 60 Minutes: Your recent feature on Attachment Parenting was as biased and poorly researched as I can recall. I was appalled at Tara Brown’s consistent disapproving and condescending manner towards parents who advocate the best start to life for their children — not only in these parents’ opinions, but in the views of many decades of researchers supporting the importance of effective infant and early childhood attachment.

While Ms Brown claimed critics of this parenting style said that spoilt brats were likely to result from it, her arsenal against attachment parenting comprised only one child psychologist and, evidently, herself. As a psychologist working with young children and parents myself, I was mystified by Dr Irvine’s inaccurate and inappropriate opinions. He bases his views on so-called ‘evidence’ in his clinic where he sees such families. I find it hard to believe that anyone advocating attachment parenting would go to someone with such narrow views.

Dr Irvine appears to have also unfortunately forgotten the importance of being non-judgemental in the profession, and any parent he claims to have seen surely would not return after this public performance. In addition, Dr Irvine’s prediction that in five years’ time these children will have social adjustment problems is unfounded. In fact, the contrary is more likely.
Research actually suggests a major link between insecure infant–parent attachments and the development of a range of problematic behaviours in adulthood, including sex offending. In other words, if a strong bond is formed between a child and the caregiver(s), the child is more likely to be well-adjusted, emotionally stable, and less likely to display a range of inappropriate behaviours in adulthood.

Despite what Ms Brown’s limited and incorrect research would have us believe, attachment parenting does not necessarily require both parents to not work and be at home all day every day, homeschool, have no discipline or the children not wear nappies. It is unfortunate that this story completely failed to convey the many ways that the principles of attachment parenting can be employed. The feature also unfairly highlighted incidents when mishaps occurred, such as when a young child was feeling frustrated, or another didn’t manage to get to the toilet on time.

These occurrences are not restricted to families involved in attachment parenting; they are simply child-rearing issues and par for the course for any parent. Tantrums? Upon watching this story you would think that it is only the children of these parents referred to as ‘socially negligent’ that have them! Are Ms Brown and Dr Irvine unaware that every child has tantrums at some stage? Perhaps they need to get out in the real world a bit more and visit the supermarket, witnessing the reactions of youngsters who have been denied lollies placed strategically in front of them at the checkouts while they wait in the queue. Surely this duo are not proposing that all these tantrum throwers are solely the offspring of attachment parenters!

With the increasing trend towards both parents working and the placement of children in childcare from early ages, it is imperative we do not forget the importance of establishing a close bond between child and parent. Attachment parenting — in its many forms — is an effective method of establishing this crucial connection. It is indeed a pity that your biased and inaccurate story so blatantly ridiculed it. I only hope that some viewers were able to see through the scaremongering and make up their own minds.

Max Yffer
Melbourne

To 60 Minutes: The feature story on Attachment Parenting was a shocking example of poor and biased journalism. It is a well-known fact that failure to establish a strong, loving connection with a primary caregiver is a major cause of depression, violence, eating disorders, substance abuse and many other common problems of adolescence and adulthood.

Not to mention a lack of empathy which allows children to be abused, women to be raped, people to be murdered, millions to live in poverty and wars to continue. In short, if all parents practised attachment parenting perhaps we would be a lot closer to world peace.

Furthermore, your program simply reinforced Western society’s cultural abhorrence of breastfeeding, which does great disservice to our children and the health of our nation. It makes no logical sense for it to be culturally acceptable to breastfeed a baby but not a child. Across world populations, the average age of weaning is 4.5 years.

Attachment Parenting remains the only style of parenting in recorded history that is backed by a large and highly respected body of research. It is one of the few solutions to the pandemic of challenges facing humanity today, as it produces children who are confident, intelligent and empathetic. Your shoddy treatment of this evidence-based style of parenting, which promotes healthy bonding in infants and young children, is inexcusable.

Catherine Flynn Wall
Counsellor/Psychotherapist

To 60 Minutes: Australia has appalling breastfeeding rates — such a small percentage of children are lucky enough to be fully breastfed for six months and beyond. The World Health Organisation, UNICEF Rights of the Child, the Baby Friendly Health Initiative, The Australian Breastfeeding Association and the Australian College of Midwives all advocate breastfeeding for as long as mother and child want to.

The negativity I gleaned from your reporter Tara Brown was not about attachment parenting but about mothers breastfeeding their children. It is exactly this kind of negativity in mainstream media that undermines women and the vital role they play as mothers.

The Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative (BFHI) was developed in response to several international declarations in 1990, which called for the promotion, protection and support of breastfeeding worldwide. UNICEF and the World Health Organisation (WHO) recognised that hospitals and maternity facilities are extremely influential in the process by initiating such practices as rooming-in (having your baby with you in your room), eliminating non-medically-indicated artificial feeding and providing a new mother with much-needed support by informed health care workers.

Who benefits from breastfeeding?

The family:

• The relationship between the mother and baby is protected, as the mother better understands and responds to her child, and is more likely to be satisfied in her role as a mother.
• Health and development of the infant are enhanced.
• Health of the mother is also protected.
• Cost saving is both immediate (artificial baby milks are costly) and long-term (artificially-fed infants have a higher incidence of illness): breastfeeding is the ‘best investment’ a family can make.

The community:

• Recognition of the importance of breastfeeding flows on from the family.
• There is an increased level of respect for human rights of both women and children, in ensuring access to a normal standard of health through support of breastfeeding.
• Environmental considerations: alternatives to breastfeeding have waste products and contribute to environmental degradation in their production.
• Economic considerations: there are increased costs to employers from parents required to care for ill children who are artificially–fed, as there is a higher incidence of illness and disease in these children.
• There are also increased costs to scarce health funding due to higher incidence of illness and disease in non-breastfed children and higher incidence of certain cancers in women who have not breastfed their babies beyond the early weeks.

Shannon Morris
Midwife

To 60 Minutes: What a pity you used sensationalism and your ability to cut and mould film and words in people’s stories to downgrade the transmission of love and respect in families.

What a pity you add to the growing alienation of babies and parents with all the resultant social ills we are seeing. The work of Dr James Prescott, amongst many others, shows clearly that societies who carry and breastfeed their babies long term are societies who are more peaceful, more loving and those societies who don’t are warlike, aggressive and hostile. Take your pick, 60 Minutes, you are creating our future.

Think about it.

‘Whoever controls the media — the images — controls the culture.’ Allen Ginsberg

Carolyn Hastie

To 60 Minutes: As a Johns Hopkins-trained preventive medicine specialist who was featured on 60 Minutes (USA) in 1979 for opening the first wellness centre in the United States, I’m shocked that you would run such a poorly researched story on attachment parenting (AP).

An astounding body of scientific evidence over recent decades highlights AP as the best approach for promoting the optimal development — physical and emotional — of children. The evidence is so strong, in fact, that after 20 years in adult wellness, I turned my focus to infant wellness once I realised that most of the problems we were seeing in adults were the result of the poor attachment they experienced as infants and young children. I’ve named this phenomenon, ‘normative abuse’.

In 2000–3, I co-ordinated a team of 20 world experts on birth and child development, who spent 10,000 hours collecting the available research and publishing it as the evidence-based Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children’s Blueprint for Optimal Development (www.aTLC.org).

As this evidence continues to accumulate, by contrast, most parenting practices today continue to have no scientific basis and cause untold harm to the adults they produce. Please do your research and produce an accurate program soon.

John W. Travis, MD, MPH

To 60 Minutes: Why do we need to label parenting styles? Or to offer such exteme definitions?

This is about as much ‘attachment parenting’ as saying that people who are environmentally conscious must grow all their own food, make all their own clothes, build their own homes, and live in isolation.

Attachment isn’t about what kind of nappies parents use (or don’t!), and it doesn’t require both parents to give up their day jobs, nor does it require adults to ‘earn’ children’s respect or never say ‘no’. Surely all people deserve to be treated with respect, including children.

We CAN have happy, creative children AND encourage mutual respect however long we choose to breastfeed or share sleep with our children or whether we send them to school or not.

Pinky McKay

Lactation consultant, author and mother of five