Letters in issue 11

Circumcision

I live in the Pacific northwest portion of the US.  I retired some years ago and acquired my first computer and got online.  At that time I knew next to nothing about circumcision or any other forms of genital mutilation. My education about all forms of circumcision came primarily via the internet.

I was somewhat shocked that I had lived on this planet for well over half a century, yet was so naive about this topic. I found that like many others, including medical personnel, I was woefully under-informed about the basic functions, purpose and inherent value of that portion of the male genitalia called the foreskin.

The term itself is a misleading misnomer. It is far more than ‘just skin’. Physically it is the centre of sexual sensations. 

Mechanically it is a unique design, which enables protective and sensory functions to be accomplished. Emotionally, because it is a vital portion of the sex organ, it is a key segment of self-identity and gender identity. One of the primary ways we identify others and ourselves is by gender. We have specific sex organs, which define us as male or female. When the sex organ is assaulted or surgically altered it denigrates and defiles the core of our identity. I believe this applies to male, female and those born with ambiguous or intersex genitalia. The entire concept of adults desecrating the genitals of infants and children was most unsettling to me. I had many negative thoughts about our species. I found it unconscionable that we humans would socially accept such ‘barbaric’ practices on our own offspring. Yet the proof was there before me as I read the reports and articles on the internet.

I mused about the relative heinousness of whether it is ‘worse’ to end a person’s life through war or other acts of violence, or to maim the individual physically in some way thereby consigning them to suffer the consequences for the remainder of their life. While the loss of limb or other body function weighed heavily in this mental balance, the intentional egregious assault on the individual’s gender identity via some form of genital mutilation seemed to be the most dastardly act. It saddens me deeply when I learn of the atrocities we humans commit on our own kind. I recognise that I cannot change the world and rectify the ills that beset us, or we inflict on ourselves.

However, I can help in some small way with the education process, which may help eradicate those tendencies. In regards to circumcision and other forms of genital mutilation, I acquired my personal ‘enlightenment’ and subsequent opinions through self-education via the internet. This was done with thanks to those who provided the information. I believe others will come to similar conclusions when the information is made available to them.

So please accept my sincere thanks for providing a circumcision information section on the byronchild website. I hope it will allow others to engage in their own self education process and perhaps motivate them into taking action to counter the demeaning practices of genital mutilation which plague various societies and cultures of our world. Circumcision is a destructive act. Foreskin restoration is a physical and emotional healing process. Unfortunately I do not know of a similar physical process whereby females and intersex may physically recuperate from their genital wounds. Circumcision is a SCAM.

Leo Freyer, CMfgT - retired
Spokane WA, USA
 

I purchased the very first issue of  byronchild whilst holidaying in Byron Bay and have been a subscriber since then.  Although I love your magazine it often makes me feel inadequate as a parent. I sometimes feel I can’t reach the ‘ideals’. I received your latest mag yesterday and felt deeply troubled by the article on circumcision (June 04, Vol 10). I researched this issue at length prior to the birth of my son and must admit that I was swayed towards it after learning that three close male relatives required the procedure later in life due to health reasons (of course this was their choice).

My son was circumcised at 6 weeks of age with the use of a local anaesthetic. He slept through the procedure and my husband was with him. He showed no signs of distress, no bruising, no infection. I am aware this does not justify our decision but I wish to point out that it was done in a private hospital where anaesthetic is used. My son suffered more following his 3-month immunisation. The hospital where this was carried out is apparently not in any ‘statistical control group’, therefore statistics re circumcision are not provided.

Twenty to 30 of these procedures are carried out every second Friday. In 2002 when my son was born this was closer to 20. I obtained this information from the doctor who does these. Perhaps I feel the need to justify this decision, it was not made lightly although it would perhaps be considered routine. I would like to point out that sometimes we make decisions to the best of our ability, based on the information available to us at the time. Statistics did not enter into this — being a woman I relied on the thoughts and feelings of the males in my life and put my faith (rightly or wrongly) in their judgement.

Virginia
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Dr. George Williams responds

You are very brave to confront this issue. I hurt when parents get upset. I understand how you feel. Intuitively we all want and do the best for our children. However, we need to say no to practices that are outdated, hurt children and families. When I commenced my activism some 24 years ago I received adverse comments and derisive abuse from parents, doctors and religious leaders. When I commenced NOCIRC in 1993, the men came out of the woodwork to complain. They were the victims and never had a voice — the stories of those men screaming and feeling shamed still haunt me. Some of them have committed suicide.

Children never request circumcision. I just became more determined and outspoken. The anti-circumcision platform is not a comfortable one. I somehow knew that genital male mutilation was not right. It does not make loving sense, it permanently alters the natural function of the penis, it exposes the baby to needless risks and violates the child’s right to choice and self-determination.

We don’t own our children — they belong to God and life. We as parents are temporary but important custodians.

Once I met the mutilators and circumcisers, and looked them in the eye, I knew their modus operandi. They are misguided, hurt, shamed and live in guilt. They also make money!!! I told my two circumcised sons-in-law that my grandchildren will never be circumcised. We have now Jake, aged 6 years, wonderfully intact and sexually wholesome, as a legacy. We can transform our life experiences and that of children.

George Williams
Paediatrician


Love Letters

Well what can I say? I love reading byronchild and all the various topics you cover. Just reading your magazine reinforces the beliefs I have on child rearing, even though 7 years ago, when my daughter was a baby, I didn’t realise exactly what I was doing or understand why, but it all fits into place now.

I often refer articles to girlfriends, who may benefit even just a tiny bit from your positive stories and loving attitude. Thanks again on producing a magazine worth reading over and over again!

Narelle Blessington
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I received byronchild in the mail today. Could not put it down! There are not many people here who open themselves to experience an alternate pregnancy/lifestyle, which is not really alternate at all, but the way we were created and meant to experience things…naturally!

So it was great to get a taste of homebirth again and it opened my mind to some other paths I may wish to take during and after my pregnancy/birth (only 8 weeks to go!). So much gratitude on a beautiful magazine.

Dominique and baby Ahrt
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Another alternative to diposables

Although I’ve not read your article on cloth nappies, I have briefly skimmed your nappy page on the web and read a couple of readers’ letters praising it and telling of their efforts to use cloth for the benefit of the environment.

Yes, cloth is more environmentally sound than single-use nappies. (Let’s face it, they’re far from disposable.) However, the water, detergents, and power used for washing cloth and the pesticides used in the cotton fields (except for organic nappies) still have a big impact on the environment. I have read some statistics saying that the average baby uses 6-8000 nappies in their nappying life. That’s a lot of water!

I’d like to share with you how I (and millions of women around the globe) am raising my daughter. She is 4 months old and doesn’t wear nappies, nor has she since birth. The method that I use to deal with her elimination needs has been used by numerous cultures around the globe since time began. It involves listening to your baby’s signals and cues and responding by holding your baby over an appropriate receptacle, using a cuing noise (‘sssss’ is a common one) and allowing your baby to eliminate in a more natural way. It is not in any way forceful or punitive. Using this method enhances communication between you and your baby and is a beautiful and I think essential part of responsive parenting.

I have been reading your magazine for only three issues, but I must admit, for such a caring and conscious publication I am surprised I haven’t seen it mentioned either in article or reader’s letter. I hope by sharing this I have opened the door to even better relationships between parents and babies and bring to people’s attention that there is more to the cloth vs. single use nappies than the Western world thinks.

Babies have the neural pathways and are aware of and can control their elimination processes and to do so before 18 months is not psychologically damaging as nappy companies like us to believe. Babies and mothers from countries such as China, India, Indonesia, the North American Inuits and the Yequana plus so many more can attest to this.
For more information on this method visit www.natural-wisdom.com or www.timl.com/ipt and enjoy, because it’s so much more fun than changing nappies.

Tanya Sambell
Queensland


Editor’s note:

Thank you, Tanya, for your informative letter. Indeed we have published an article on Elimination Communication in our December 2003 edition.


Fathers

I recently read the Dec-Feb 04 issue of byronchild and in it you write an editorial about fathers. It compelled me to write to you about my husband and father to my two children.

When I got pregnant with our first child, my now husband was a heroin addict. We were both very young, I was 16, he 19. During the months of my pregnancy he blossomed, grew up. He was raised in a tribal lifestyle, however his parents had divorced when he was a child and it had affected his perceptions of fatherhood a great deal.

He offered as much as he could be to me, while I assumed he would be uninterested and want no part of the life we had created. During the early months of the pregnancy he had assumed he would be no use to me after the child was about three or so, and he had promised to stick by the child until then.

As the child grew, so did his love for it. When our son, Aquila, was born in 1999, he cried more than any other person including me. I suffered through post-natal depression following the birth, made harder because it is a condition often ignored in younger mothers.

My husband stepped up to the plate with ease, and assumed the traditionally female role in our family. He let me work on my problems, and he cared for our son Aquila with all the things your editorial mentioned; intuition, empathy — a complete love for our child consumed him and it was never again considered that he could leave our child when he was three years old.

Two years later we had a daughter, Xanthe, who is now three years old, while Aquila is five in a couple of weeks. My husband is the primary caregiver, while working part time for TWS, and I attend uni. Our children are incredibly close to their father and he and my son share an unbreakable bond, formed in those early months when he took on everything he could.

When we had a few months apart, Tarquin kept the children out of choice, while I moved away. He was the single parent and he embraced it. He was thankful that I ‘let’ him keep the children, while I knew it would be so much harder on the children to leave their father for that time. We were together again three months later and we are secure, happy and mature for our 22 and almost 25 years.

I share this with others because I feel that men need to be encouraged and nurtured into accepting that their feelings for their children are justified and acceptable. We learn by example and I believe my children will grow to understand the importance of a father in life. 

I feel like bursting with pride when I see my husband and children — their closeness helped me recover and today I am well and an active part of my family. It’s not to say he doesn’t have days where he needs a break, or feels frustrated and angry — I think most people go through these feelings regardless — he is human. But he has reconciled the issues he had with his own father growing up, and discovered that they do not need to have any impact on his own parenting. He is a great man, a great husband, and a brilliant father.

Kelly Carlin
New South Wales


Help for painful intercourse

I just wanted to firstly write to you and thank you for such a wonderful, insightful publication in byronchild. It has opened my eyes to so many parenting issues and has encouraged me no end in my journey through parenthood.

The article on smacking was particularly interesting to me as I come from a family where it was considered the norm. I still have nightmares of watching my baby sister being belted with two wooden spoons because she wouldn’t say ‘Ta’ at 9 months old. As I write this I still get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Reading the article reaffirmed my belief that smacking children does much more harm than good and confirms within myself that I am doing the right thing in making the decision not to ever smack my baby girl.

The second reason I have for writing to you is I am not sure if you are aware of a condition called vulvodynia which is diagnosed as chronic vulvar pain, which occurs during intercourse but also the burning, itching rawness and tenderness experienced every day with this syndrome. I have been suffering from this condition since the birth of my daughter and basically diagnosed myself after stumbling across an article in a magazine in a cafe one afternoon.

My GP and gynaecologist had no idea what the problem was and told me I would just have to accept that it would take a while to settle down. However, not accepting their diagnosis I contacted a specialist in this area, Marek Jantos, via his website www.vulvarpain.com. After just 2 months of biofeedback treatment I am finally feeling normal again and the debilitating pain is no longer disrupting my life. There are hundreds of women who have symptoms of this syndrome but many are never diagnosed due to a lack of education of medical practitioners in this area. I thought it may be possible that this info might help other readers of byronchild to know there is treatment available for these symptoms and they don’t have to suffer continually.

Amy Young.
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Can we really do this?

In recent issues, readers have been asking, ‘How on earth do you do it?’ (Attached mothers need attached communities, Issue 10, and others.) Ever since byronchild began — around the same time my daughter was born — I have been living with this question, trying to find ways of living attachment parenting in a culture more designed for consumerism than for supporting parents to nurture our children’s biological expectations. Every issue has brought inspiration; as well as confronting the reality of the situation we face as parents; quite often it has served to fan the fires of frustration and discontent! Perhaps this is partly intentional — perhaps it is only through a clear, honest evaluation that we will collectively transform our discontent into innovative ideas and a practical, viable reality that we can share and live.

Amongst byronchild readers alternatives are constantly emerging as people find their own resourceful ways of living it the best they can. It seems one crucial key is right in front of us: ‘Hidden in plain sight’ — all along byronchild has been championing the unrealised potential of tapping into our communities as a way to transcend the stress of the nuclear ‘fix’. I am quite convinced we can turn our good intentions into actual lived priorities in terms of how much time we have to devote to our kids — and together we can find ways of turning our own personal economies back into our own local directions, supporting our communities (and our parenting) at the same time.

One possible solution that has emerged is the Community Parenting Exchange, an internet-based self-organising network for practising holistic parenting within a community context. In the most practical sense, it’s about nurturing our children in our own company, and enriching the lives of people around us by involving our own communities and the incredible wealth of skills and life experience within. It serves us parenting alongside other parents, sharing child-raising and even living with other like-minded folks; opening ourselves up to accepting help with the practical stuff and learning from others in the community, offering ways to spend less and create money more in harmony with family life, and to meaningfully involving the kids in community life.

As a parent I feel excited about the far ranging possibilities for my own children to grow up with the support of such a network; as a contributor to byronchild, I feel heartfully committed to extending the vision of this magazine with whatever practical means I can. As the one developing the Exchange model (which will be possible for anyone to self initiate and operate in their own local communities, anywhere in the world) I am inviting readers to embark on an experiment and to take this model and shape it into something that can really serve you and the folks in your own community.

Further information will be available in the next issue of byronchild, but in the meantime if you want to find out more, you can email me

Anna Jahns
India