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Letters in issue 10 |
Parents are lovers too
Your words at the start of the byronchild publications are a real gift. You have an enchanting and fresh outlook that both inspires and challenges myself and my partner Jessica. I’m a clumsy letter writer so I’ll be brief.
As we strive towards being more conscious parents for our daughter Hannah we make a lot of changes. These changes influence all aspects of our lives, even through the night if we share a bed. As a father I feel very rewarded by the results of practising this sensitive and nurturing approach to parenting. However, I feel there is a part of me that would like to come out and play a little more: The Lover.
Perhaps the issue of sexuality between parents is a ‘touchy’ one in many of the readers’ relationships. I would love to see an article on this in your publication as I’m sure it would offer some new thoughts for us young fathers trying to evolve yet can’t help still wanting a bit of animal-stuff in our lives.
Russell Nel
South Australia
Attached mothers need attached communities
I received byronchild yesterday morning and quickly flicked through it and with every page I turned my mood sank more and more until I felt quite depressed, closed the magazine and put it away on the pile and thought I would not open it again for a while. All the guilt of not co-sleeping with Olle came up again and I felt such a failure, having him sleeping in his own bed, not carrying him ALL the time (he quite likes it to sometimes lay by himself and watch the leaves or the curtains move in the wind) and surely not planning to breastfeed him till two years or more.
Then with breakfast I took all my courage and opened up the magazine again and started with your editorial. And there it was. Exactly how I feel; all these ideas are very nice and I believe in them and believe they work but HOW ON EARTH DO YOU DO IT!!!??? And especially how do you do it on your own? My back gave up after two months, so I had to lay him down. And in theory it sounds so good but have you ever tried to make a bed carrying a baby? I especially get very angry when these ideas come from men telling us what to do; have they ever tried to light the oven with a baby on their belly or breastfed every hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, {never a day off for a breastfeeding mum!)?
Your story gave me strength and new spirit, to not be too hard on myself, to not feel guilty about what I cannot do for him, to again ask his dad and his grandparents to be involved, to go out and find this community and help build it myself by going out to people instead of sitting home alone and trying to do it all on my own. Thank you very much for that, it was just what I needed to hear.
I had felt it already before and wanted to write to you about it before, that all the things written in byronchild are so wonderful, but how is it in real life? How do you do it when you live on a sheep station in outback Queensland? Sometimes I think I would love to write a column about that; theory versus real life, everyday circumstances that you get confronted with when you do want to raise your child(ren) consciously. Call the column something like ‘Reality Bites’. Would you have any interest in something like that in byronchild?
Eka
email
Three cheers for cloth!
I started to buy your magazine when I was pregnant last year — I gave birth to my beautiful boy Finn in August — and was most pleased to find such an intelligent and caring publication. Circumstances beyond my control led me to relocate to Brisbane soon after my son’s arrival. Unfortunately I found it difficult to find your magazine in Brisbane newsagents.
I’m back again on home turf and I picked up a copy of your Sept-Nov 2003 edition at the local library. I felt compelled to write and congratulate you on your article ‘Going Cloth: Changing the world, one nappy at a time!’.
I made the choice to use cloth nappies before my boy was born. I felt I HAD to on principle, as I had always looked askance — when I was childfree! — at parents using disposables. As a sole parent — red-eyed and hair dishevelled with sleepless nights and a cheeky boy monster trucking through my bed and life — I now realise how EASY those disposables would be to use.
It would seem that most people chose the easy option — on all my trips out in Brisbane with my son I only ever saw other mothers with a child in cloth nappies on five occasions in six months.
Someone gave me a copy of the popular mainstream child-rearing publication, Kid Wrangling by Kaz Cooke. I was SO disappointed with what she wrote on the issue of disposables. She was strident and defensive re the use of the hideous things (I think she may have a guilty conscience). She indicated that the extra effort to use cloth (for environmental reasons) was hardly worth it. I felt devalued by what she wrote — but continued to use only cloth — even when my washing machine was broken for four weeks (that took commitment!). I think it’s scary that such a popular and widely read author does not encourage new parents to at least try the less convenient but environmentally sound option.
So thank you for your lovely article. I feel vindicated. My boy looks beautiful wearing his natural cloth nappies, and I have lots of funky bright and pastel coloured ones — they’re rather a fashion statement!!! He’s NEVER once had nappy rash — EVER!!! Cloth nappies are a great conversation starter with older ladies — who frequently stop me in the street and praise me for using cloth — just like they did. Cloth nappies also provide great opportunities to play BOO! at each nappy change — precious moments! It’s strange — I was a career girl, hated doing the ‘menial’ laundry — but I feel such a sense of pride and simple satisfaction each time I hang up a batch of freshly laundered nappies on the line and they snap in the breeze — I know I’m doing something good for the love of my life — and something good for our world.
Congratulations on an excellent publication!
Jocelyn Holloway
Ballina
I am not Mr. Mum!
Picture this: it is 10am on a Tuesday morning. I am in the supermarket with my 18-month-old daughter, Joy. A lady passes by: ‘Ohhh,’ she says, ‘Daddy is baby-sitting you today! That’s wonderful!’ Then she turns to me. ‘Is your wife sick?’ I was ready to fold out a nappy and strangle her.
Let’s get a few things straight. I cannot baby-sit my own child. I am the father. No-one would ever presume that a woman was baby-sitting. Besides, there is nothing in our generic make-up that says men cannot look after children. Neither does it say that women have an unquestionable right to do so.
I am a man and I look after our daughter. And don’t start calling me ‘Mr. Mum’ because then I will definitely get the nappy out, and it won’t be a fresh one! I am not Mr. Mum. I am Mr. Dad and Joy is my daughter. That’s it!
No surprise that only a few men are Mr. Dad. There are plenty of obstacles.
Try being a man and convincing your employer of the merits of long-term paternity leave. Most employers don’t like it. However, I believe paternity leave can be excellent for everyone involved. My employer gets new enthusiasm from my replacement, my replacement gets a great job for a year, I get a year to re-energise, and my daughter gets me.
I am sorry, Pru Goward, but where is the suggestion of shared parental leave? Get the law on the side of parents so that we ourselves can sort out who looks after the kids and who does the paid work.
Then, there are the comments from other men: ‘What do you want to do that for?’ as if I am doing something that hurts them just because we are of the same gender. Or the suggestion that I am on the ‘other’ team… All I can think is that if they had spent more time with their fathers they wouldn’t display such ignorance.
While I am the carer my wife does the career thing. She is not able to spend as much time with our daughter as I am, she is not able to run the household now that I am, and she is not able to do what women have done for centuries now that I am. I also know that some people suspect that she doesn’t like motherhood because she has gone back to work. Unfortunately, many men stay at work because their partners won’t let them be at home. I am lucky.
How about the young woman who said to me: ‘It is so wonderful that you look after your daughter, you must be a good father.’ But when I asked her about her husband she said, ‘Oh no, he couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t know what to do!’ That is exactly my point. Too many mothers don’t believe their husbands can. But of course they can. As it has been said, ‘For a man to be the father he wants to be, a woman has to be less of the mother she wants to be.’
So how about giving fathers some space. Let them be the fathers they want to be. And talk to them about the option of being at home. If they would like to and it is possible, then encourage them, help them through the obstacles and support them when they are discriminated against.
And next time you see a man pushing a pram please don’t call him ‘Mr. Mum’ — or watch out for the nappy.
Hayes van der Meer
New South Wales
Intentions are powerful
The last issue of byronchild I was taking a break from coordinating and writing for the men’s section for the first time (back into it again this time) and so I was able to read the magazine from a slightly different perspective. I was genuinely amazed at just how stunningly and consistently good the magazine is. I was particularly struck by the article Why Men Leave by John Travis as it resonated with some of my own childhood experiences.
My one concern, however, is that the ideals being expressed in the magazine are out of reach for many ordinary people — I guess I would want to say that in my experience as a youth worker over the last 20 years is that children are remarkably resilient — if you cannot achieve the home-schooling and attachment parenting ideals that this magazine presents so powerfully simply do the best you can to move your life towards those ideals as much as possible. Perfection is not required, but your clear intent will count more than anything else deep within your children’s hearts and souls where it really matters. As a culture we have clearly moved far away from what is best for our children — to move in a new/old direction of intimacy as is being recommended in byronchild is hard work as we must continually struggle against a vast and well ingrained sociopolitical machine.
My final thought is a question — while I agree that home schooling will mostly provide an educational experience of very high quality, one of the groups of people who favour home schooling are fundamentalists of all persuasions whom I would argue are keeping their children out of the system so that they can oppress and indoctrinate them. That’s not to say that oppression and indoctrination do not occur in our schools too. We have seen some horrendous examples of this in some of the more vicious groups and I grew up near some exceedingly violent and conservative religious families like this in Tasmania. Perhaps there is better protection against this now — I hope so.
Peter Keil
byronchild magazine
Smacking lasts a lifetime
Ordinary Lives, Everyday Violence was an article close to my heart, being the mother of five young children, a teacher and recipient of many a ‘smack’ as a young, and not-so-young child.
From the age of five, I was smacked by my father and my teachers. All I remember from those young days was the feeling of fear and the need to ‘hide things’. As I got older, I got cheekier and the smacks got harder and more frequent, so much so that by 11, I hated my parents and hated my teachers. What started with a light smack at five ended up as a punch at 11. I often had to wear long-sleeved tops and was kept off school with bruises. I remember feelings of resentment, mistrust, humiliation and the overwhelming desire for secrecy.
The beatings carried on until my dad left home when I was 14, but by this time I had been damaged. I had been so disrupted at school I was ‘removed’. I made friends with people I could manipulate and hated society. I hated religion, authority and adults.
I never ever thought hitting was right. I have always hated violence in any form, but I did believe I was to blame. I didn’t get the exam results I should have got because I couldn’t be bothered. I got a job at 16 and got engaged at 15. I know now that my then boyfriend was indeed a ‘father figure’.
Going to work at 16 was probably the best thing I could have done. It gave me freedom, independence and no-one knew my family. I dumped my fiancé four weeks after starting work which gave me another new lease of life.
But the ghosts of my past came back to haunt me; I became anorexic at 20 and was behaving very ‘childlike’. These were the words used by the psychiatrist. At the age of 24, I went back to college, got good grades, went to one of the best universities in the UK and met a man who is now my husband.
I now have 5 children, and am a teacher by profession. None of my children have been smacked or bullied, and they have never been shown aggressive behaviour.
I must say, and many would agree, we have the best behaved children in the world. We do not let our children do what they like, we do have boundaries and our kids know what is right and wrong. We talk to our children from the earliest age telling them why certain things are wrong. If our children do something which is wrong, eg pushing a young sibling over, they are given time out away from everyone to think about what they have done. Believe it or not this is very effective.
I do talk to my dad and so do my children, I don’t feel hatred but I also don’t feel love. My relationship with my mother is also not wonderful. I think I still resent the fact that she allowed me to be hit so badly.
The ghosts of what happened still haunt me. I do tend to be secretive and I am quite ‘childlike’ in some aspects of my life. I really can’t understand (and I’m not sure I ever will) WHY beat someone you love. I adore my children, all I want to do is make sure they are always happy and safe.
Please don’t hit your children. The scars last longer than you think.
Anonymous
email
Stress and breastfeeding
After 19 months of breastfeeding, and on the 11th bout of mastitis, I was hospitalised. My body had given up the fight. As I lay in bed with septicemia and a drip infusion of antibiotics every four hours, I yearned for my health so that I could reunite with my baby. Some doctors say that I was susceptible to mastitis. My illness was related to stress. For every bout of illness, I had been in an emotional setting with my mother. Being aware of the stress in your environment is the key factor. Without the illness (stress) I would still be feeding my son. He gained and I gained so very much from the beautiful unity in this bonding. We have moved from feeding time to sleeping time together. He is now 22 months old and he lies on my chest and I cuddle him to sleep during his daily nap. I recommend breastfeeding and napping together as precious, to all parents and their children.
Samantha Naudin
email
Making Community
Thank you for byronchild! I received my first copy as a gift and was completely blown away. Every article was about an issue I had been wanting to learn more about, but had no idea where to start. As soon as my magazine arrives now I rush to finish up what I’m doing so I can sit down, relax, and study every page. I love how you look at one general topic at a time by providing a few articles focusing on different aspects. I read everything, then I’ll read it again, and again! I tell everyone I can about you because I am just so inspired by what you’re doing.
The education I’ve received from byronchild has been a great foundation for further research. In my searching I realised that there was not a lot of info out there for Australian Pagan families. I’ve since started an online discussion group, and would appreciate it if you could include some info about it. OzPaganParents is a group for Australian Pagan Parents looking for a nurturing, supportive environment for friendship and advice. A place to meet, share experience and build community. Of course, we welcome grandparents, godparents, guardians, aunts, uncles, and anyone else who has an interest in raising babes amongst Pagan values.
Being a pagan parent can sometimes be a difficult, lonely path to travel. Now we have a place to share experiences, discuss ideas and ethics, and get to know other Pagan Parents in Australia.
The goals of OzPaganParents are:
• To build community, both online and in the real world.
• To provide a supportive environment to discuss more ‘alternative’ parenting practices.
• To encourage the spiritual growth of our members.
• To provide a flame-free environment where the Pagan Parenting community of Australia can communicate and learn from each other.
• To have fun!
Check out http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ozpaganparents/ for more information.
Hollie
email
Love Letter
You could never know, or maybe one day I will be able to tell you, just how much byronchild has meant to me in the last three months. It has assisted me along my life journey in ways I could never have anticipated.
Now when my friends ask my advice as a mother and woman in our world today I can refer them to byronchild to give them an idea of where I am at and going.
I love to learn and since leaving my high-powered management career in the government health sector I have been searching out new learning all the time. I am beginning to see my new life path developing, the next goal is getting clearer all the time. And all because I want to mother my children so they can grow to be what they came to be without needing to do as much hard work as adults to uncover who they are.
Lisa
email
50/50 Parenting
I’m wondering if you are aware of any existing support groups/networks for families that are separated but co-parenting equally? Our son is almost five years old, he lives with me for two weeks then goes down the road to his dad for two weeks. I believe this kind of arrangement can be very beneficial for everyone involved but it does require a great deal of love, strength and patience.
With an ever increasing divorce rate it surprises me that our kind of arrangement is not more common; as it is it seems to be a rather invisible option. Centrelink for instance, just can’t get its ‘head’ around us at all. There’s all this dogma from the government about how it is a child’s right to have both their parents, yet where is the recognition and support for people who are doing their best, despite enormous difficulty sometimes (including financial), to ensure equal access through 50/50 co-parenting? Please contact me through byronchild if you know of any resources.
Thanks for championing care of children as the vital work that it is.
Sally Newham
email
Attachment Parenting: Fact, not Idealistic
Some people were upset by James Prescott’s recipe for emotionally healthy children (The Origins of Love, March 04). In the scheme of things, Prescott is but one player. What he says is echoed by most child mental health professionals these days, especially those who are up to date with the massive, international research on parent-infant bonding which has been produced over the last three decades.
The field of attachment and infant mental health is by no means male dominated, in fact it was created by psychiatrist Mary Ainsworth. Anyone bothered by Prescott’s gender can read exactly the same recommendations, backed by mountains of research, in Katie Alison Granju’s Attachment Parenting (1999), Jan Hunt’s The Natural Child (2001), Penelope Leach’s Baby and Child (1977), Aletha Jauch Solter’s The Aware Baby (2001), Linda Palmer’s Baby Matters, What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Caring For Your Baby (2001), and Australia’s own Pinky McKay’s Parenting By Heart (2001) and 100 Ways to Calm the Crying (2002). These are all up-to-date manuals, based on state-of-the-art research, written by highly qualified female health professionals. As far as I am aware, all of them are mothers.
What any qualified lactation consultant will tell you is that the problems women have with breastfeeding in our culture are treatable, and almost non-existent in most parts of the world. These problems are the direct result of powerful formula-making corporations having systematically destroyed the practice of breastfeeding throughout Western cultures, until the know-how was almost completely lost (see Gabrielle Palmer’s The Politics of Breastfeeding, 1988). Lactation textbooks and the World Health Organisation state that the average weaning age around the world is over four years.
Our practice of making our babies sleep by themselves in a separate room is highly unusual. In almost every culture around the world, according to anthropologists, babies share a bed with their parents, or at least sleep in the same room.
Prescott was accurately stating what babies and children need, and our difficulties with meeting these needs are culturally driven. Indeed, it is very hard for two parents in our society to fulfil these organic, developmental needs in our children. Prescott’s points cannot be achieved by parents who are not copiously supported by extended family or community. This truth is painful, but it must be faced squarely: our children suffer as a result.
Instead of fighting for more childcare, so that strangers bring up our children, we need to fight for the kinds of maternity and paternity leave provisions offered in many European countries. The scraps of parental leave begrudgingly tossed us by our government are pitiful compared to most other developed nations (except the USA), and lesser than even some of the world’s poorest nations. Prescott’s ideas will seem less threatening when our society properly supports parents.
Robin Grille
Psychologist
Sydney, NSW
Kindred strives to adhere to strict advertising guidelines. Please help us keep our Google Ads in alignment with Kindred's values. Contact us with the URL of any ad on this page if you think it is contradictory to our content.Thank you. |
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The Chemical Maze 4th edition
Now in its 4th edition, Bill Statham's shopping companion, The Chemical Maze has been incredibly influential in making people aware of the various poisons and chemicals in every day products and how to avoid them. 'Our mission is to assist people from
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Nappy Free! DVD
Nappy Free, a half hr dvd, explores a method of baby hygiene called 'elimination communication', which can reduce or remove the need for nappies (cloth or disposable, and all the potential allergens and environmental costs they carry), depending how
Price: $ 46.00
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Kindred strives to adhere to strict advertising guidelines. Please help us keep our Google Ads in alignment with Kindred's values. Contact us with the URL of any ad on this page if you think it is contradictory to our content.Thank you. |
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Preparing yourself for Birth
There are many things to consider when planning your pregnancy, labour and birth. It is important to remember that there are many options available, and you need to consider your own expectations and birth experience before deciding. For example, the foll |
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Sensory Deprivation and the Developing Brain
In many ways our modern life style and world are deficient in both touch and movement, both critical for healthy and whole development. |
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Homoeopathic Disease Prevention
The first documented use of specific homoeopathic medicines to prevent specific infectious diseases was in 1801. The method is called Homoeoprophylaxis (HP).
In 1801 Dr Samuel Hahnemann, the founder of homoeopathy, wrote an essay titled The Cure and Prev |
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Be proactive with your prenatal care
Being informed is the best way to have a good childbirth. Here, the American Foundation for Maternal and Child Health provides some basic information to support the pregnant couple to make wise choices when confronted with over zealous health professional |
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Understanding Children's Feelings
You walk into your local supermarket.
You look down the lolly aisle to see a tiny toddler on the floor, kicking and screaming.
Is he misbehaving or manipulating, playing up or throwing a tantrum, or is this a case of the terrible twos?
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