Leading from the Trenches – a man’s approach to parenting

 
By Peter Aldin

Another day is over and I watch my sons while they sleep. I’ve closed their bedroom windows, pulled the covers over their shoulders and now — before I leave their rooms — I say a quick prayer for them and wonder how I’m doing as a father. Do they get enough time with me? Do I use that time well enough? What kind of men will they be? What kind of teenagers? And I feel afresh the weight of responsibility to raise them ‘right’, to do what I can to bring them into adulthood well-adjusted, merciful, strong, principled, creative, compassionate, educated and ready. I look at that list of adjectives and I think to myself: it’s a tall order!

As a visual learner I often need an image or a metaphor that enables me to see what I’m aiming at, to get inside the ‘job’ and gain fresh perspective on it, to sharpen my approach to my goal. When I recently reached for an analogy to give me fresh insight into the complex role of fatherhood, the image that came to mind was that of a platoon sergeant.

The sergeant is that unique individual who both commands and collaborates with his men. He leads from the trenches, not the HQ. He both issues orders and fights alongside the men he has been entrusted with, for they share similar battles. It is essential that he sends the men into battle while doing his best to ensure their safety under fire and competence during their mission. He even nurtures the unique skills of his subordinates, so that in some areas they surpass him.

What a great picture of the command and collaboration aspects of fathering. The great father does his parenting with two critical dynamics in mind: expectation and empowerment. And these require balance. When we raise our expectations of our sons, we need to do the same with our empowering them for success.

When we place a load of high demands and standards on their shoulders without giving them the mentoring, modelling, encouragement and resources to carry it out, we discourage and alienate them.

The great father does his parenting with two critical dynamics in mind: expectation and empowerment.

However, perhaps in reaction to having been parented in a harsh fashion ourselves, we can also lean too far the other way, be over-accommodating — soft — with our sons. The world is often asking our boys to reach towards the next level of maturity. When we praise or adulate boys without recognising that growth opportunity, we risk rescuing them from responsibility and this can only spoil and weaken them.

At the risk of mixing metaphors, the great dad is not just a sergeant, he’s an umpire and a captain-coach. Simply put, an umpire will take you out of the game. He’ll penalise you. He’ll enforce rules and boundaries. He doesn’t have to be angry about it, just firm. He either allows or creates consequences so as to maintain order.

The captain-coach puts you in the game, and keeps you focused on the right plays. He debriefs you on how the ‘game’ is going for you. He’ll encourage and feed your strengths.

So here’s a few questions for you, Dad.

– Which of these roles do you default to? Commander, Collaborator, Umpire, Captain-Coach?

– Which do you avoid or overlook?

– What’s one simple thing you could do today to bring greater balance to your parenting?

Sometime this week, when your son is engaged with his homework, his X-box or his football, notice him.

Remember again what a wonderful human being you have helped bring into the world. Remind yourself of your hopes for the man he will be — and remind yourself of the unique qualities of the boy he is. Refresh your commitment to both directing him and partnering with him on his journey through life.

When it comes to raising him well, you have what it takes. You just have to use it … 


Peter Aldin is founder of Great Circle Life Coaching. For over a decade, he has provided coaching, workshops and training that assist people to sharpen their personal and professional relationships and communication. Peter and his family live and work in Melbourne.
For a light-hearted (and helpful) look at fatherhood, visit Peter’s blog www.freakedoutfathers.com

Published in Kindred issue 21, March 07