How do I talk with my children about war?

Before you question how to talk with your children about war, I suggest you ask yourself how you deal and cope with it yourself. I feel that we need to talk with our children about war in a way that makes them see the mechanics of war in themselves. As sad as it is that it is happening, I suggest we look at it in a way that deepens our understanding of human nature and with that deepens our guidance of our children. When talking to our children about war we need to be sensitive to not induce a war for peace.

All of us know the mechanics of war in our own lives. Wars, whether on a personal or bigger scale are always fought for peace, inner or outer. If we are not involved in any external fights, most of us still lead internal ‘wars’ which are often more cruel than they may appear, cruel towards ourselves, cruel towards our inner parents, the world etc. The many moments during the day we devote to an inner dialogue rather than what is actually happening in the moment, cost us dearly. The many ways we do not meet our own imagined standards; the many ways we criticise others are an act of cruelty and greatly reduce our ability be present and to love. These inner wars are the roots of outer wars. If we manage to reduce or stop our inner war with reality, we become peacemakers in the real sense, moment-to-moment peacemakers!

I find that in all my challenges as a parent, the deeper my own understanding, the more present I can be, the more effective my guidance. How you answer your children’s questions about war will vary greatly on their age and the situation. See if you can make them aware of their own tendency to want to be right, a root of all wars. Use situations in their own life to help them understand war. Fighting over toys, or who can sit in the front of the car, can be good examples. Gently make them aware of that aspect of their nature and explain to them how that tendency can lead all the way to big wars. It is important not to reproach them for their behaviour but to make them understand the consequences of it. It is in understanding that, that will enable them to change their behaviour patterns. The deeper the understanding the more compassionate they become towards themselves and others.

Once that base understanding is established the way you will talk with each other about war will be very different. Listen to your child. Let your child take the lead in terms of the amount and type of information that you discuss. Children typically request information in doses they can handle. Don’t dismiss your child’s fears or concerns and at the same time don’t put your own anxieties onto them. Protect your child from information overload. You may want to examine the news together to correct misconceptions your child may have, to help him process and work through feelings that may arise.

The more vulnerable and honest you are with yourself, the deeper your understanding, the more creative and effective your guidance will be to help your children, our new generation, to become true peacemakers.