Creation of a Family not a Lifestyle

By Angie Retallack

Three years ago when my son was born I thought I had finally been accepted into the club- the mothers’ club. After 3 long years of trying, a miscarriage, Chinese herbs  fertility stones and an eventual successful IVF cycle I was to finally be one of the ‘smug mothers.’ I thought I had made it but boy was I wrong. After trying for my second child now for 2 years, 4 miscarriages and numerous now unsuccessful IVF cycles and alternative practices I find I am now considered selfish.
 
As my husband observed the other day, if you only have one child our society presumes you naturally can have more if you want. Therefore, if you don’t have two children at least, you obviously don’t want to, therefore you are a selfish parent who is happy to sentence their ‘only’ child to lifelong loneliness and stigma just so you can have a larger disposable income. Yes everything seems to be seen as a lifestyle choice these days- even fertility or in our case infertility.
 
It all started once close friends started to have their second children. Suddenly there was an enormous chasm that had opened up between them and us that we could never hope to comprehend. I would like to have a dollar for the number of times I heard them gush, “It’s just so different having two". Then suddenly I was the only one at mothers’ group without the second one on the way. When the entire group went silent and all eyes turned to me I knew it was time to leave and never go back. Being different makes people nervous. And naturally in their eyes, I was choosing to be.
 
“So what are you doing about it?” this was a question I was asked recently by a supposed friend with the aforementioned requisite two children, after I told her of yet another miscarriage. This question seemed to infer that it was somehow under my control and if only I would just do something about it, all would be well. Well let me assure you, and her, that if there was anything more I could do I would be doing it! Another close friend felt sure it was probably just stress that had caused the miscarriages. If stress was the cause of miscarriage I don’t think there would be many people in this world, do you?
 
One thing that any couple who has experienced infertility and miscarriage knows for a fact is that you cannot control it. Nor is it anything to do with something as shallow as lifestyle. The pain and desperation of infertility is indescribable.
 
Being an only child myself I am only too well aware of the loneliness my ‘only’ could experience. My parents were both from large families, also not without their disadvantages, and thought I was lucky not having to compete with siblings. However, they just did not seem to understand what it is like to be permanently outnumbered. As a result ‘onlies’ can become independent and mature too early because there is no one to hide behind or side with. Everything you do, for better or worse is seen. I always remember my mother wanting me to go out with a group like she had when she was a teenager. She just forgot that most of the group was her siblings and their friends. To this day I still feel uncomfortable with large groups because I just never felt at home in them.
 
I know my son will be fine if we are not able to have another child. Who better to raise an ‘only’ than one who was themselves. He is totally loved and was wanted so much. As he gets older and he learns how he was conceived and all that we have done to try for a sibling, he will have one important advantage over a ‘multi.’ He will know for sure, that not everything in life can be controlled and that the creation of a family is not merely a lifestyle choice.


Angie Retallack is a stay at home mother of one living in inner city Melbourne. She has a Masters in Communications and in her other lives she worked as teacher and trainer, travelled extensively and lived in Europe for 6 years. She and her Dutch husband believe in progressive, sustainable parenting and are raising a bilingual, vegetarian, gorgeous little boy. Contact Angie Retallack